Lisa
“When One Door Closes, another Door Opens
”
I was at the company for almost 12 years. I was a freelance consultant for many years before officially being hired on staff, so I had a long relationship with the company. The first couple of years I was at the company, maybe two or three years, felt pretty stable. It felt healthy. Then, after that, the financial situation at the company became increasingly unstable; it felt insecure, and layoffs became an annual event. The turnover rate with staff was high. There was always lots of worried chatter. For the last eight or so years, layoffs took place every year except for one year. The layoffs generally took place around November, at the end of the year.
People came to expect this because this was when the company was privately owned, and the annual board meetings would take place, and they would review the end-of-year financials. For the last several years, I had expected to get laid off. I thought it might happen. I would have conversations with people about it. My boss kept saying, "No, no, no. I'll never let that happen." And I always thought I don't see how this is within your control. Someone at a high level says, "Okay, you have to pick X number of people." I had been waiting for the ax to fall every year to the point that it really impacted my financial decisions. I had been thinking about buying a larger apartment for a few years, and I came close a couple of times. But I got cold feet because I thought I didn't want my monthly expenses to go up, and suddenly I was out of work.
My routine was to start the workday early. I turned on my computer one morning. I'm working away, and suddenly, at 8:46 a.m., on November 4, 2022, I saw an email from the human resources person, and the subject line was “discussion.” That was the extent of the subject line of the meeting invitation. No other information, and the only people on the invitation were me, the HR person, and my direct boss. So, here it is. And the meeting was in 14 minutes. It was at 9 o'clock. And I thought, all right, this is it. I just kept saying to myself, "Just don't cry. Whatever you do, don't cry. Hold it together. Don't cry." So, sure enough, I got to the call a couple of minutes early.
The HR person and my boss were already in the virtual meeting. When I came on camera, they looked like deer caught in the headlights. And they stopped talking about whatever they had been discussing; they froze, and I said, "Okay, let's get this over with." Those were my exact words. They read this boilerplate spiel to me. It took all of about two minutes. They said, "Do you have any questions?" I said, "No," and that was the end. And it was about 9:03. The whole meeting took four minutes. I had never been fired or laid off in all my years of working.
I was shocked, but not shocked. I knew this was coming, but I was still surprised. My last day would be in two weeks, November 18, which was the Friday before Thanksgiving. I wanted to go into the office one last time. Since my work schedule was a partial return-to-office after Covid, I worked from home four days a week and went into the office one day a week. I wanted to go in mainly because I had a weekly lunch date with my pal at the office, and I wanted to see her and say good-bye to my staff in person. What surprised me was that I felt like a leper, which I hadn't anticipated. This one colleague, in particular, is always very chatty with me around the office; she is a big talker. She and I were walking down the hall towards one another, and she saw me and turned on her heel and walked the other way as if layoffs were something she could catch, and I was contagious.
I had mixed feelings over the next couple of weeks. There were people who I barely worked with or didn't know well who took the time to write me lovely messages, emails, and Slack messages that were very meaningful, like, "You were so helpful to me that time about X, Y, and Z." It meant so much to me at a very difficult time. It made me realize how even a small interaction with someone can have a real impact. I liken it to being at your own funeral, where you hear people saying nice things about you. It was really an out-of-body experience. There were other people I worked closely with for years on a daily basis, and I didn't hear a thing from them. Having been on the other side of this many times, I get it. People don't know what to say. It's awkward. There was a lot of that. People didn't care. When I was on the other side of it, and people got laid off, it was, thank God, it's not me. Phew. I dodged the bullet. I could put myself in other people's shoes.
My boss barely said a word to me the last two weeks I was there. She asked me to write something about my work and the transition that needed to be done. We met briefly; she had no questions for me. It was just like, you're already dead to me, that kind of thing. I vacillated between being like, I get it, and being practical and clear-headed about it, but also feeling bitter, resentful, and hurt. Nearly two dozen people reporting to me over the course of 12 years summed up in a meeting that lasted less than a half hour. It was a financial decision and not anything personal about me because we did the same job: equal positions, equal amounts of responsibility, and the same job title. I had told at one point a few years earlier that this person made less money than me. I always knew that if it came down to me or this other person, all other things being equal, my head would be on the chopping block. The only thing that might have saved me was that at the time I was laid off, I was 56. The other person was a few years older than me. I think he was about 59 or so. Maybe even 60, and he had been expressing thoughts about retirement for a few years. I would be really angry if he got this job and retired.
The whole experience really took the wind out of my sails. The angel on one shoulder says I get it. It's a business decision. The devil, on the other shoulder, is resentful and bitter. And I've gone through the stages of feeling sad, sorry for myself, and angry. When it comes to blame, I don't really blame the company as a whole or the corporation. I blame my direct boss, with whom I always had a decent working relationship. But to me, she was a striver and someone who looked out for herself. She did not develop or help her employees. She did a lot of damage to the department and my reputation in many ways. By that, I mean that since I was laid off and looking back on what that job could have done, she kept a boot heel on the back of my neck and impeded my professional growth. I also need to look at my part in letting her do this to me, and it’s not easy to see that in the mirror. It is making it hard for me to look for something new because I look at other people who talk about how they are involved with initiatives and on committees. I tried doing that, but she marginalized me in that way intentionally to make herself look better. So, that's been a tough pill to swallow, and at the same time, layoffs and hirings also happened. The company doesn't realize how tone-deaf this is or how bad it is for morale.
That said, I have reminded myself daily of the career I built. Someone told me, “There is life after Company X,” I truly believe that. I have been thinking a lot about what comes next, and do I want to start something completely new? Do I want to go into a new field completely? Do I want to do something that's related? Do I want to have a similar-level position, or do I want to have a higher position? I have spent a lot of thinking and reflecting on that. Where I have landed is that I want to stay in the business I've been in for 33 years if I can. I still have more to offer and value I can add, and I know that my experience is worthwhile. Seeing how the business has moved on is tough, and I know I can keep up. I have something to add, but how will others view my experience? How will my resume look to others? How will I present myself in a meeting? Will I look like an old lady?
Reflecting on my layoff and moving forward:
I thought a lot about the pace at which I wanted to get a new job. I was laid off at the end of November 2022. I knew I wanted to enjoy the holidays and start the new year. After that, I thought I would be ready to start looking for a new job, but I appreciated the time off after 33 years of working nonstop. It’s about doing things at my own pace, not other people's. There has been some pressure to that. It's interesting.
Many people are asking me what's happening with my job hunt. When am I going to get a job? People are nervous on my behalf and wonder why I'm not moving faster than I am. I don't want to bend to that pressure. I want to do it at my own pace.
Looking back at how the layoff took place, it is amazing how this process has changed, especially since COVID. Because everything is virtual now, you get this email notification for a meeting invite. Everybody knows what that means, especially seeing who it comes from. You go into this call, which is typically a Zoom call. They read off the script, and I get they must cover themselves legally. But the lack of that human connection. There wasn’t anything in there about “We want to make sure you're okay. Do you have any questions? What can we do for you? How can we help you?”
I've already discussed my feelings about my old boss and how she handled this or mishandled it. I had been in her shoes before, where I've been involved with people's layoffs, and I know you have to tread the line of reading a script. They can't say anything that might be legally libelous. And I understand that you must be careful about how you treat people. But you can still do that in a humane, comforting way. The HR person was great. I knew her before this. She did say, to the extent that she could, which was limited, "We want to help you. I'm here for any questions. I will send you the release paperwork packet and then be in touch."
I felt embarrassed when I was laid off. I felt stigmatized. It was a reflection of me and the good job I did. Intellectually, I know it was a financial decision; we are all just commodities. The company is not your best friend. It's not there to be your emotional security blanket. You're there to do a job, and they're there to give you a paycheck.
What I am learning about myself from this experience:
I'm learning that it doesn't need to be a dirty little secret to get laid off, that I can say it out loud. I can say “laid off” without choking on it now. That's a new thing over the last few months. I'm more open about it. And when I talk to people about it, I don't have to make excuses for myself. I can say I was laid off and not have to go into a whole explanation; it's not shameful nor unusual. Most of us know ten people who have been laid off. I'm proud of the way I handled this major event in my life. I've learned that I can have conversations with people without being emotional about it and falling apart. I'm still pissed off, but I'm pretty tough and resilient. I keep telling myself, "I'll get something." It may not be exactly what I want, but I'll find something. I have always felt secure in my professional reputation, and I'm learning that that's still strong. I've always known that that's what matters. All you've got in your field is your reputation. Be professional. Don't burn a bridge as much as you want to.
I've learned more about what I don't want in a job than what I do want. I still want to explore. I want to take better care of my health because my health suffered due to this layoff in November. I neglected it. I had a few rough weeks health-wise immediately after the layoff (including a Covid diagnosis), and I'm still trying to get that on track. I've always been good with work-life balance, but I need to focus more on that, and I’ve never been someone who defined myself by what I do for a living.
Another thing that has surprised me is spending time connecting with people, those I haven’t connected with in years, and staying actively connected with those currently in my life. These connections are important, and I didn’t realize that until I was laid off. I don’t have to do any of this alone, and it’s good to have people around me who have also gone through a layoff and can understand what I went through.
My advice to others:
Put the time in for self-reflection and think about what you want to do; what would you do differently for your next job? And there's life after your old company. I do believe that when one door closes, another door opens. Put in the time to think about yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, what you want to do, and what you don't want to do. Only spend a little time wishing you had done things differently and thinking that might have saved you because it wouldn't have. I thought about what I would have done differently at my job to try to save it, and there was no saving it. I was doing the best I could. I was working as hard as I was willing to. No regrets, but look deep at what you're looking for. Take the time to think about it; don't just jump into the next thing.
Where are they now?
Lisa spent the first part of 2023 focusing on her health, spending time with friends and family, and just generally catching up on stuff in her personal life. Her severance package ended at the end of May 2023, and after a few months of what she viewed as preparatory work with her career coach, she started her job search in earnest and with structure and routine in mid-July 2023. Since the beginning of her career, she has been very fortunate to land jobs through networking. Many of those opportunities were presented to her, so she never had to put much effort into creating a resume, cover letter, or doing my “elevator pitch,” She knew she needed to invest time in getting those up to speed.
Lisa knew she wanted to stay in the same business and that finding a new job would take time, so she learned that she needed to trust the process. She shared that this was a lesson learned. She had a lot of support, and people wanted to help her. In January 2024, Lisa started a job as Director of production Project Management.
