Margot
“Being Laid Off Was A Gift”
I knew it was coming because the day before, there had been some whispers; something was going on. There was a vibe in the air. As I was steaming the blouse I would wear that day, I remember thinking, “Oh, this is the shirt that I’m going to be wearing when I get laid off.” I worked at the Empire State Building; I remember thinking as I entered that morning, “Oh, this is the last time I’m going into the building like this.” I just knew it was coming. It wasn’t a surprise, and I just knew the day before that it was coming that morning,
I was at the end of the hallway because our offices were set up. And so, as it was starting, it started with the nearest person to the president’s office. And then they made their way down the line as everyone was watching. And as they made their way down, I was a bit of a mess. And then, I saw the organization’s president walking down the hallway, and I knew he was coming for me. I followed him into the office and got the news, which wasn’t a surprise, but it was still emotionally shocking.
The CEO and COO were in the room. The words were spoken: " As you know, we’ve lost some funding. “I reported directly to the COO. I had a good relationship with her. I knew that she had at least a thoughtful approach since she had worked with me for a while. I also learned how to deal with people and knew that you couldn’t just cut someone off.
As he talked, I remember thinking, “Yes, yes, yes. Just give me the paperwork.” I remember looking at the paperwork and saying, “Oh, that was nice,” they had included an outplacement service, including individual career coaching; they didn’t have to do that. But I realized that it was a very smart CYA type of thing to do, so the layoff doesn’t seem as cruel when giving someone this investment in themselves.
The severance package was as generous as they could have offered for a non-profit, and I had also been there for a while. I remember sitting there, looking at it, and crying. Finally, my boss said, “Okay, why don’t we get you a car service to take you home?” which I appreciated, but that made it worse since I had to wait forever for the car to arrive. I remember the driver taking me home, and I was upset. As a side note, he purposely went the wrong way to get the mileage up. Like he was trying to increase the price, I remember thinking, “I don’t care. I’m in an air-conditioned car and upset, so he can charge them as much as they want [laughter]. It was just a very weird and surreal moment.
After the news’s initial shock, it felt like a band-aid was ripped off. I had been anticipating this and getting upset about it for a long time. And once it finally happened, it felt liberating because I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. It happened, and I survived. I didn’t die. I was scared, thinking that I was going to get ripped off. I thought I wouldn’t get anything and would be “thrown out.”
Since I anticipated getting laid off for a while, I had done everything I could to prepare myself—my desk was already cleaned out of every personal item. The day it happened, I threw my heels from my drawer, put my exercise clothes in a bag, and was out. I had already done all the work I knew to pass on and transition to my co-workers before because I knew it would happen. I felt like, “Okay, this is it. I’m gone. I’m leaving.”
I knew I did my best at my job, but I remember thinking, “What a stinky way to end an experience where I felt like I gave it my all.” I knew not to personalize it, even though it felt extremely personal. It had nothing to do with my sense of myself as a person, my inner goodness, or my sense as an employee. I knew it wasn’t personal because most professional staff had been laid off. It was purely a matter of they didn’t think I was worth what I was getting paid in my salary.
Looking back, I would’ve done some things differently. This idea of this social obligation that you would have to have afterward of not being a weird or angry person. So, the next day, I thought, “Why was I doing this?” I had drinks with some people I worked with, and-- why? All they did was complain-- they were still employed, and I had just been laid off. And they were complaining about work, and I was like, “Well, why am I spending my time drinking and listening to these people complain about the place that just laid me off?”
It was this weird social obligation to be nice. Again, I remember thinking, why am I spending my precious time hanging out with these people and having people look at me like, “Are you all right?” Looking back, I should have said thanks, but no thanks. It wasn’t closure for me. It had nothing to do with me. It was closure for the people who worked there to make them feel better. I was thinking, why are you using me to make your staff feel better? Take your team out to lunch.
I haven’t thought about being laid off for a long time, and it’s bringing up all these sad and angry emotions. When you’re unemployed, people think you’re a loser—at least, this is how I felt. Whether or not people felt that way, this is how I felt. An older family member asked people what I had done to get fired, and I did not get fired. But no one understands that. No one understands that being laid off is common and can have nothing to do with performance. You can be a highly functioning person and still get laid off. It was the idea of people being worried about me, saying, am I keeping busy? What am I doing with my time? All those kinds of anxious questions people were asking. It makes you feel 1,000,000 times worse. Looking back, I had a lot of pride in my work, and I had a lot of identity around that position that I had held for a long time. I felt like I was a bit lost without it, and I didn’t know the next steps.
I had been actively job searching since I had anticipated the layoff for so long. I knew where I was working was toxic and dysfunctional, but I knew that this kind of work environment was similar to other organizations, and I wanted to find a place where I could feel like “the slate is wiped clean. I can start anew.” At least where I was working, I knew the craziness. I knew where the landmines were and where the bodies were buried, but going into a new, crazy place, I didn’t know what to expect; I was scared. I don’t think I even realized how scared I was and upset because if I felt it, I would have gone nutty, I think [laughter]. I think that as a survival mechanism, I was just silently seething.
What did this transition and self-exploration mean to you?
It was a lot of things. In the beginning, it was a lot of healing because I had everything set up to look for a job, going through all the motions to stay busy and tell myself that I was getting things done. I didn’t want to be the unemployed person in the house with their sweatpants on. I know I was emotionally in a very low place. And people would say it to me. After being laid off, I went to this professional conference and told people I was a consultant because I didn’t want to say I was unemployed or between positions. And I remember someone saying, “Oh, consultant. That means you’re unemployed.” I don’t think people have a lot of emotional intelligence around being laid off, and they should keep their remarks to themselves. At that conference, all I wanted was to get help from those in my field, and it turned out it made it worse. In some way, I am still healing and getting over those feelings because when you’re laid off, it feels like a betrayal and can sour your whole work experience.
Recovery and Self-Exploration:
I had to build my confidence again, and that’s taken a while, but I don’t think I ever had confidence until the past couple of years. It’s knowing that I can-- so there was a loss of professional confidence by being laid off and then being in a position of trying to find that next job or thing and not having any leverage, having to feel like you have to take anything. Part of the confidence I feel now has options: I don’t feel like I’m painted into a corner or I’m at someone else’s will. I have choices and can say no to things if I don’t want to do them. I don’t have to do these things. The passage of time makes things better, and I can try new things, experiment, and get to know myself better where; it’s not trying to pigeonhole myself into what I think a professional persona should be.
I think my road is easier than many other people because you can say there’s a privilege in what I have. I’m white. I present as a straight person and a woman. I don’t necessarily have ageism yet, and I find the work environment stressful. I think about other people who don’t have those privileges and what they must go through, especially with ageism, the work environment, and other circumstances.
I knew I worked in a toxic environment but didn’t realize I wasn’t happy. Any place facing a layoff would not be fun, but the place I worked at was never fun. I didn’t realize how much of that toxic work environment and the people were affecting me. The passage of time, finding something new, and getting excited again about work really helped me move through this.
What I’ve learned about myself through this experience:
I’ve learned that I can handle anything and handle things now. I think I can manage my emotions well. There’s a value in my work that was not appreciated at my old job. They valued me as much as they could’ve, which is not much. But now, it’s nice to be able to do the work I want and have it be valued, lucrative, sought out, not having to-- especially in my field, a lot of times is there’s a very defensive stance because we work in a lot of places where it’s just hard to get money to do what we want. It’s nice to have the privilege of doing the work without fighting about the budget. Or people are just willing to pay. People are eager to invest in my services where I wasn’t valued or that important, and now I feel like my work is valued. I always valued my work at my old workplace because I knew how much I was doing. But I was thinking, well, no one will know or understand. If I had transitioned into another full-time job, I think I would’ve felt like I did in my last job. Who wants that at a new job?
Who am I as the professional Margot, and who am I now as the personal person?
As a result of this whole experience, I think it’s made me a much more empathetic person. Looking back, I would think they’re not playing the game right when I saw people with workplace struggles. They’re just not figuring out how to do it; they don’t have the savviness to figure out how to play this dumb game called work. Right? But now, after being laid off, it makes me sympathetic to people who are unemployed, underemployed, and looking, who are stuck in bad places, people who might be stuck in good places because they have commitments and are not happy or bored. So, it makes me more sympathetic to people in bad work situations. I also know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of someone either outwardly not being nice about being laid off or inadvertently saying something that is quite cruel. I am mindful of that when I talk to other people.
I’m in a much better spot because of it. If that hadn't happened, I would never have been doing what I’m doing now. So overall, it was a positive thing. It was awful while it happened, but. And I know it's the same way for other people, too. When you’re deep in those emotions and feeling bad for yourself and the sorrow of it all, I can be empathetic and sympathetic to a point, but you can’t feel those feelings for somebody else. You can know, “Oh, yeah, I know that.” You can’t make them feel better, but you can say, “It does get better in time. You’ll figure things out.” And I sometimes think when you’re unemployed or a bit desperate, you try things you wouldn’t normally do. You are slightly bolder than usual, so sometimes you’re more apt to experiment. And if you have nothing to lose, you just put yourself out on a limb, and I think that can be a good thing, too, professionally and personally.
As a result of being laid off:
I got some insight from the experience of being laid off. I’ve built in more self-care and self-reflective practice in my daily life. I’m meditating, journaling by writing and speaking into a little audio recorder, exercising more, and doing certain things to take care of myself. I don’t think that was possible in a traditional job. Now, I can do my work based on my feelings and moods. I can control the flow of my work, and therefore, I am more efficient. I go more with the flow. I don’t get tired all the time. It’s not like I have to show up at work and sit from nine to five whether or not my work is completed during that time. It can be much more flexible, and it’s much more holistic, and based on what suits me and my strengths.
Looking back on this, what do you wish somebody would have told you, or what did they tell you as you went through this?
Sometimes, people try to offer help, and it comes off even worse. For example, when someone passes away, it’s better to acknowledge it, say, “Oh, I’m sorry that happened,” and leave it at that. Sometimes, it’s better to acknowledge it than not to acknowledge it.
People are well-meaning, and I saw people’s attempts to be concerned and be nice when I left my job. But it just sometimes makes it worse. I think the thing to say is, “That sucks,” to acknowledge, “This is awful; I feel so sorry for you that this happened.” When you are laid off, don’t personalize it because it has nothing to do with your value. It’s a business decision. I’ve told people that for me, it was one of the life-defining events of my life, one of the best things that ever happened to me, but it still completely sucks. It completely changed the trajectory of my life for the better, does not change that it was an awful experience. Those things still exist.
It was the best gift I received in the ugliest wrapping paper. Being laid off pushed me to do something new, something I would’ve never done. I was exhausting myself trying to do everything in my old job, at what cost and at what reward, but now I can do all those things that directly benefit me. Or at least I can experiment, try something, and see if I like it. I can experiment and say yes or no, or right now, it works. There’s a sense of trying things out and figuring out what works for me.
What’s the biggest message or best advice you would give somebody who has just been laid off and is going through the process?
When this happens to you, initially, because your emotions are still going to be gooey and wet and gross, devote time to taking care of yourself in other ways. You can explore what jobs might be out there, but you’re not ready yet. Don’t try to get that next job right away. Even if you try to suppress it, it will be obvious that the emotions of getting laid off will be there. You can be very professional and say whatever you want about why you’re looking for a job, but it will be emotional and obvious to an employer. You must wait until your head is a little bit screwed on better. Use that private and quiet time to get your ducks in a row and do stuff in your personal life. I went on vacations, and they were cheap vacations, to see my brother and my mom, and I went on a friend’s vacation. Everything I was doing was very affordable.
Please spend some time doing something crazy, such as seeing a movie in the middle of the day or reading all day. In time, you will start your job search again, see a job that excites you, and get back in the game again. Perhaps you go on a job interview, and it’s terrible, but you got yourself out there again.
In some ways, I was trying to save face by being active and busy and doing this and that. It would’ve served me better to be quieter and not run around applying for jobs. That’s the other thing. Because you don’t have a job, you start to feel desperate or act desperate, and people can sniff that a mile away, so just because you’re out of a job and you need a job doesn’t mean that you’re going to take anything, you don’t have to. It must be the right fit. There’s no point in accepting a job that will be terrible, and then you will have to look for another job in six months. Please don’t be so desperate; make sure this bad thing makes sense and gets you to a better place. Don’t be so quick to take any old thing.
Why isn’t the topic of being laid off part of mainstream conversations? Why can’t we talk about it, and how do we normalize it?
We have to be honest; no one talks about it because if you’re in a job interview and people ask, “Why are you looking for a job?” you can’t even say, “I was laid off.” No one wants to say that’s what happened. People think being laid off and being fired are the same thing, and there’s no difference, and those two things are wildly different. You might’ve been a poor performer and got laid off, but you might be a good performer and also got laid off. I feel two ways about it; in some ways, I wish we talked about it more, and you can say during a job interview that you were laid off. It’s so common, so let’s destigmatize it. On the other side, having too many layoffs - I love to look at the statistics – shows that the economy is not that great or people aren’t making good choices in leadership. It feels like the executives made poor decisions that led to the layoff. They want to protect their neck, so they get rid of you to course-correct. But in all those situations, it was because of poor management. Maybe there were some environmental things or regulations, but for the most part, layoffs happen because of bad management. No one wants to say this happened to them because it makes them look bad, regardless of whether it was their decision or not.
You have to uncouple it from the emotion. It should be talked about in a work environment. When interviewing for a job, “Why can’t you say I was laid off?” You have to have a song and dance like, “I’m looking for another challenge.” I’ve been asked that question too. It’s none of your business because I’m looking for a new job. Everyone gives some excuse, but the real truth is it’s usually “I was laid off,” “My boss is horrible,” or “I think I’m going to be laid off.” No one wants to say, “I want to make more money.” All the truthful reasons no one says.
How do we make it more comfortable to have this conversation with family and friends, less taboo, and more normalized?
Family gets emotional because there’s an idea of supporting people or supporting people financially. My husband was so understanding because he had gotten laid off, and it was a severe layoff. I think gender-wise, layoffs affect women differently than they affect men. Men see it as their livelihood. For women, I think it’s different; the emotions and the thought process are different.
Where are they now:
Margot started working for herself, consulting in her field of expertise. She makes much more money in less time and with less aggravation. She doesn’t see herself working for anyone else ever again.
