Anonymous
“Follow Your Gut”
My layoff was during COVID. My boss emailed me that she wanted to talk to me via Zoom. I knew something was up… she had not been “happy” with me recently, and I was worried. Over the past year, my work situation became untenable. I knew When she said she wanted our board chair to join us. We were both on Zoom, and she started with, "How are you?" I was determined not to be emotional but very cool and calm inside. As I heard her speak, she said, "I don't like to do this over Zoom, but during this time, I have to. It's time for a change, and we have to let you go." She said, "We want you to sign an NDA." I said, "Okay." She asked if I had anything to say, and I said, "No." I hung up, and That was that.
Thirty-five years as a leader in corporate and foundation philanthropy. Now, I was so LITTLE. So USED. It was actually a relief… but I was also incensed. Yet, I could not, nor did I want to express my real concerns, so it was very quick, and we had a few back-and-forth emails about the NDA agreement: who would make the announcement, who would tell the world, etc. It was all very brief; it lasted for about a week, and then a week later, The philanthropy job was gone. But I was not.
She drafted a letter that would be sent about me leaving the organization. I reviewed it and made edits since her tone was cold; however, she talked to the board a few days later, and they agreed to my edits. At the same time, I had also sent a note to people I knew explaining that I was leaving. I was so embarrassed, ashamed, and humiliated to be fired. I have never been laid off. After thirty-five years in this business, who was she to fire me for no real reason except that she didn't like my thoughts, attitude, joy, and comradery? But she did not. I should have known from the day she interviewed me.
I am not sure why I stayed as long as I did, even when I knew how toxic it was. I stayed for the money and security, even though I was miserable. I was miserable; it was destroying my body and brain, and I was unhappy. But I was going to climb this mountain. I was going to make it, and I wouldn’t let my boss or this job define me or get the better of me because I knew my worth. Let's be real: Culturally, in our society, quitting is not considered a brave thing. It's often looked upon as you're crazy. You're giving that up. What's wrong with you? I know it’s different for everyone, but that’s how I felt.
Living in New York, I think you are judged by what you do, not by who you are. Throughout your life, “What are you doing? What is your job? Who do you work for?" People make assumptions about you as a human. At this point in my life, having to say what I really wanted, what really made me tick, was a very difficult hurdle to jump over. My entire life has been about doing well, getting a job, being proud of yourself, and showing the world that you're a strong woman who can do it. Now…it’s okay. I'm here for other people now, I'm happier, and that's what's important to me.
My journey went from feeling embarrassed, ashamed, and judged to being good about telling somebody I was laid off. I wasn't ashamed of it because of all the conversations and the work I've done between the day I was let go and where I am now. The more you say it, the more you talk about it with others; it normalizes the conversation, and I felt proud that I was being an advocate for being laid off and for myself.
Reflecting on my layoff:
I think about how much my identity was wrapped up in what I did for a living and how this needs to change. It's a step-by-step process that starts with teaching and setting examples. For example, I could show my son that I could be laid off and be okay. When I told him what happened, his first reaction was, "Well, are we broke? And I reassured him that, "No, we are not. We will find a way. We'll make it work. It's going to be okay. But isn't it great that I will be home all the time now?" It's about allowing people to share and be who they are. It is that simple. A lot of people are looking at their lives differently since the pandemic. They're saying, "I want to do what I want to do," maybe it's because they were forced to, or perhaps it's because they just realized what they missed out on while working 24/7.
We live in a society where everything is about well-being: meditation, eating well, exercising, taking care of ourselves, and self-care after being laid off; this self-exploration was different. This self-exploration has been the hardest. You have to ask yourself the really hard questions. What do you want, not what is expected of you, not what will allow you the life you want or what you think you want, but what do you want to do every day? Or what is it that gives you satisfaction? It could be just sitting around reading a book and expanding your mind. It could be going on hikes every day. And that is okay. This is much harder to explore because it deprograms everything I've learned. It is deprogramming what my parents taught me, what society taught me, and what I believed was right, and not blaming anybody because it is what it is. But I look at it now as a gift. I am fortunate to be in a situation where I worked hard, saved money, and had jobs that provided me with money. So, I'm in a very unique position. I still don't have the answers. I'm on a journey and get a little nervous about whether I'm going down the right path.
I know it's a process, but if I didn’t do it, then I was a fool. I also wanted my son to see that there are options and that you must live a life that brings you joy. There will always be hard things that will happen in life. I remember one thing my father said: “When you take a job, don't look at the job; look at the people you work with.” I would never have taken this job if I had listened to him. But it was too compelling because people around me said, take it, take it, and I thought I could handle it. TRUST YOUR GUT, listen to yourself, and constantly practice listening to yourself. It's also about being nice to yourself and not thinking it is selfish or doing what you want to do is selfish. And saying no is okay sometimes.
My transition and transformation:
Being comfortable with yourself and the choices you are making is really important. I could apply for a job and go back to doing philanthropy or fundraising. But I keep hearing this voice saying, do you want to do that? And my answer is no, I don’t want to do that. It comes with age and time, figuring out what comes next, and I don’t know what that looks like. But I’m determined to get comfortable with it because it’s my one life to live, and I don’t want to screw it up.
But what a gift I was given, the freedom to be me, and not many people have that at this point or at all. How lucky are we that we can make a choice? I want to enjoy what I’m doing, whatever it may be. My point is, it could be working in a bagel shop, or it could be in a big company, I don’t know. But if you’re not enjoying it, it’s not good for your health, and it’s not good for you mentally. It’s not good for your friends, and it’s not good for your family. It is going to get you. It’s going to bring you down. Don’t stay in a place where you’re suffering. I don’t know why I stayed at that job for so long. I really don’t. I say to you, my friend, enjoy what you’re doing. And if you need to earn money, find something that gives you joy to make money. I say that to everybody now.
What I have learned about myself:
Figuring out what you want to do? What would give you the most joy? And maybe it's nothing. And that's okay. Slowing down is okay. Sitting with yourself is okay. What matters and what's changed is my appreciation of my friends and family more than ever. You're not defined by who you are, who you work for, or what you do. I've done good things and can reflect on my life and be proud of it. I am not saying I am done, but that chapter is closed. I am closing that door and saying goodbye, farewell, and thank you for the ride. And onto the next, whatever that may be.
Being laid off and having an experience like this opens up a whole new world of what we ask ourselves, how we see ourselves, how we want to show up in the world, and how we want others to see us. I AM someone who brings good to the world. I AM able to mitigate negative energy, BUT ONLY BECAUSE I NOW HAVE THAT FREEDOM. I want to right the wrong. And I want others to be free. I want to free people from oppression and the chains we put on ourselves. We need to be more honest with ourselves as a culture in this society, be kind to ourselves and each other, and start living the life we want.
Where are they now?
“HAPPY. FREE. AND POWERFUL. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. TRUST YOURSELF.”
